It amazes that 24 days ago, I did not know these children. I hadn't yet experienced their smiles, laughter, or love. I didn't tuck a child into their bed nightly, or kiss them on the check and tell them I loved them and truly meant it. I didn't understand the importance of love and discipline. My heart didn't cry out in hopes that I truly made a difference in their lives because God was working through me. My prayers weren't filled up with their names and their hearts. My life didn't revolve around 8 precious little girls. My life has changed so much in the last 24 days, and I truly thank these children for that.
I have only really experienced a true smile that projected pure happiness a couple times in my life. When my parents were proud of me, and they smiled, I knew they meant it. I knew they were allowing that smile to show what their heart felt. When I saw my sister Jessica look at her newborn baby and smile, she meant it. She couldn't show her thankfulness and adoration for her new daughter any other way but to just simply smile. When I saw my nephew smile in the midst of battling cancer, he meant it. He knew he was hurting, but he knew he was loved too, and so he smiled. And when I see these kids smile and tell me they love me, they mean it. They may not know the language my mouth speaks, but they know the language my heart speaks, and so they smile.
Have you ever noticed the power a smile has? You can be having a terrible day, and one smile can just turn it around. I know there are times that I simply just want to cry, and Gerlande walks through the hall, and peeks around my door and just smiles, and so does my heart. A smile is what shows happiness when happiness could be absent. A smile shows that you see there is hope in a hopeless world. A smile truly speaks what the heart feels. So smile today.
Some other things I have learned while being here is what it means to truly work for the Lord. And no, I am not claiming to have that down, or to really even be doing it. But I am trying. I have understood that God has called us to do everything for His glory.... all that we do. I don't want to just give it 99%, because that's not everything. I want to work as much as I can and as hard as I can for the Lord. It's a learning process, because it wasn't what I had been doing... so it's in it's beginning stages...but atleast it has begun.
Also, I have noticed how bad I suck. I have been reading my bible a bit more, and having a daily scripture provided by the director here, and some different bible studies, and I am simply in awe of God's love for my selfish heart. I am called to do so much more than I am doing, and he still loves me. I am just in awe of Him. We serve an amazing God.
Part of noticing how bad I suck is realizing that all these years, I have selfishly compared myself to other people.... to other broken humans. Of course at times I am going to look better, more in love with Christ, and more on the right track then they do. But is that what I am trying to be like? Another broken human? Or am I trying to be like the son of God in all his perfection? Because if I compare myself to him, which I should, I suck.
I'm nervous about coming back to the states. How easy it will be to just fall back into the sad ways of Americans. To get caught up in looks, money, jobs, fashion, etc. but not to be caught up in what God has called us to do. I have all of these plans for my life, and I don't know how many times I have planned something and thought of the benefit that it will have on the kingdom of God. Have I ever? Have I planned my days around what I want to do for myself, or around what I can do for the kingdom of God? Conviction all over the place.
The Lord is good, and his love endures foever. It endures through all my selfishness, and destruction. Experience God's love today, not because you deserve it, but because He wants you to.
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