Entangled in a mess....

Entangled in a mess…

Being single—its tough sometimes, isn’t it? There’s this longing to be with someone, to spend time with them, to develop a close relationship with, to grow with, to lean on, to love, to be loved by, to have when times get hard, and to simply just be theirs. I’ve realized though that this is exactly what being in a relationship with Christ looks like. He cuddles me. He laughs with me. He’s there. He loves me. He desires to spend time with me. He is growing me. I am His and He is mine. It’s this beautiful love story that my heart desires.

Truthfully, the only answer to the cry of my heart is Jesus’ love. There is nothing greater than He is. Not even my future husband. I will never, I repeat never be in a successful relationship until I realize that God is the answer to my heart, and a husband is an extension of His love for me. My future relationship will be one that strives to repeat God’s beautiful love story with me. I will serve, love, and dedicate my life to Christ first—and love my husband, family, life, friends, etc. second. God is my heart’s answer.

In these different seasons of singleness we often try to take things into our own hands. We desire this relationship described above, but we try to do it out of order. We seek man over God daily. So time and time again we fall short. And who do we blame it on? The big man upstairs. When in all reality, right before Superman was going to make the save—we take it into our own hands and strip the hero of his job. God has you and wants to save you, take off the cape. God talks about not just hearing truth and going about our business—but doing what it says (James 1:22). Believe God. Trust God. When we take our lives into our own hands, strip God of His glorious works, then blame him—we are forgetting the truth that God has so beautifully given and promised to us. God has me, He wants to give me the desires of my heart—I just must delight in Him (Psalm 37:4). So I choose to delight in my King and wait for Him to do His work in my life—so they He gets all the glory He deserves.

You know, going back to the single thing, it straight stinks at times. I have 5 beautiful sisters and each one of them are rockin a relationship beautifully. I could be down…. I could get frustrated… I could get discouraged, but instead—I wait. I wait on a King that has promised life for me. I could go ahead and do things my way and the relationship hold on by a thread or I can do it God’s way—and get entangled in a mess of rope. One is fragile and can break easy. One is strong and can bare a lot of weight. One can be cut quickly with hardly any effort and one is held together strong. One is me and One is God.

My King is jealous for me. And He will have every bit of my attention until He sees fit that a man of God comes and tries to love me the way God loves me. Every single woman is a daughter of the King, and the King doesn’t let His daughter be given to just anyone. We’ve got to quit taking the crown off the King and trying to slam it onto our heads and to take over a life that was never ours to begin with. Christ died for my life—He is more than entitled to rule over it.

Keep faith, keep going strong, keep serving Christ and watch Him give you the desires of your heart.

God wants to give you the desires of your heart, but your heart should desire what God wants.

Desperation and Growth

Desperation and Growth.

They go hand and hand, right? When you realize your desperation for Jesus-- you grow. You grow closer to Him, you grow to fall at His feet more often, you grow to call on His name--you simply grow.

I looked down at these old posts and threads and I saw my desperation for Jesus. My absolute necessity to be His. For my life to be in HIS hands and not my own. I was desperate for Him--and I still am.

His love is perfect.

And I want crave it.

My heart's desire is to constantly be desperate for Him and to constantly be growing closer to who He was. I don't ever want to give up, and I don't ever want to forget His name.

I forever want His name pressed against my lips.
To be desperate for Him.
To be His reflection.
To be His name in the midst of silence.
To be His light in the pitch black world.
To be Him.
I forever want to grow.

Part of growing is loosing all the distractions. To rid yourself of anything but His love. If it distracts you from growing in your relationship with Jesus-- it's gotta go.

Cut it off.
Get rid of it.
Throw it out.
Run.
Leave it be.
It's just gotta go.

That simple.

Love you all, and may you never ever quite growing.

-Kendra

Not just to teach, but to be taught as well!

    Sometimes I sit back and I realize just how much more I could really be doing for God's kingdom. There is just such a need, I guess I selfishly feel good about my relationship with Him because I'm in Haiti. How ridiculous and fool is that? Obviously God is not any more pleased with my serving him here or if I was in America. The fact is, he wants me serving him daily, all day, any day, any time, and any where.... It's just a bit sad to think I thought God smiled upon me because I served here in Haiti, in a third world country, left my family, sleeping with gun shots out my window, bathe in cold water, eat rice every day.... OH! Exactly, that's the checklist, word for word, to have the Lord pleased with his servant, NOT! Since when did I lose focus of what really matters? What I'm called to do is to live for Christ, love His people and share the amazing news of our Saviour... If I'm just in Haiti to complete the list listed above I've failed God and He deserves so much more than my pitiful attempt to serve Him and satisfy myself and act as if He is getting the glory. He wants my heart, all of it, no matter what country I am in. And same goes for you, He wants your heart, no matter where you are.

     There are things that hinder my relationship with Christ all the time. And as Beth Moore says in her Breaking Free study, an idol is any trade off for Christ. I have quite a few idols, all of which are conditional on certain things. Here in Haiti, facebook/email could take away from my quiet time so that I can communicate with my family and friends. One of my main idols is the desire to be loved, and to love. I have even settled in my 21 years for men who don't pursue me, or don't treat me like Christ treats the Church. God fights for me (Exodus 14:14) and does it with joy, why should I settle for anything less? I wouldn't want to manipulate myself into settling for "love" only to be disappointed in my marriage or to even manipulate a man by my words or actions so he'll be with me. I want a guy who wants to serve God both alone, and with me. And From the beginning I want to know that Christ is number one, I want to be respected, and for him to see me as a daughter of the King, and I don't want to settle. Relationships have been a hindrance in my relationship with Christ because I have been so focused on finding love, but I truly want to give this area to christ.- wholeheartedly. I want my future husband to be able to submit and seek Christ, so then, I should do them same.

    When you are serving in a country with such devestation you often look at your life and question what you are doing right and what you are doing wrong. These 2 topics have really stuck out to me lately, so I pondered and now am writing about them. There are so many areas in my life that need improvement, thankfully, God is patient.

    I won't lie, I am excited to get back to the states and live out more of this change, start school, get some tattoos, travel, dream, just live different. Life is so good here, but I want the challenge of keeping my relationship with Christ in the midst of constant distraction.

    Psalm 63:3  "Your love is better than life." How sweet and true is that verse.... The love of God is so much greater than life. In 1 Corinthians 13, it is said that "if you do not have love, you have nothing." If your life is not full of love, both giving and recieving, please understand you aren't truly living. The benefits of loving is amazing. Loving your friends, family, strangers, and Christ is such a blessing. Yes, you may get hurt, but it won't hurt worse than never loving at all. Because to me, the worst pain in the world, is never being loved and never loving.

   So, I challenge you all, love... and love wholeheartedly. Love your God, your family, your friends, love everyone, after all, It's what we are called to do.

I love you all.

Kendra
    

A smile. A conviction. A new life.

It amazes that 24 days ago, I did not know these children. I hadn't yet experienced their smiles, laughter, or love. I didn't tuck a child into their bed nightly, or kiss them on the check and tell them I loved them and truly meant it. I didn't understand the importance of love and discipline. My heart didn't cry out in hopes that I truly made a difference in their lives because God was working through me. My prayers weren't filled up with their names and their hearts. My life didn't revolve around 8 precious little girls. My life has changed so much in the last 24 days, and I truly thank these children for that.

I have only really experienced a true smile that projected pure happiness a couple times in my life. When my parents were proud of me, and they smiled, I knew they meant it. I knew they were allowing that smile to show what their heart felt. When I saw my sister Jessica look at her newborn baby and smile, she meant it. She couldn't show her thankfulness and adoration for her new daughter any other way but to just simply smile. When I saw my nephew smile in the midst of battling cancer, he meant it. He knew he was hurting, but he knew he was loved too, and so he smiled. And when I see these kids smile and tell me they love me, they mean it. They may not know the language my mouth speaks, but they know the language my heart speaks, and so they smile.

Have you ever noticed the power a smile has? You can be having a terrible day, and one smile can just turn it around. I know there are times that I simply just want to cry, and Gerlande walks through the hall, and peeks around my door and just smiles, and so does my heart. A smile is what shows happiness when happiness could be absent. A smile shows that you see there is hope in a hopeless world. A smile truly speaks what the heart feels. So smile today.

Some other things I have learned while being here is what it means to truly work for the Lord. And no, I am not claiming to have that down, or to really even be doing it. But I am trying. I have understood that God has called us to do everything for His glory.... all that we do. I don't want to just give it 99%, because that's not everything. I want to work as much as I can and as hard as I can for the Lord. It's a learning process, because it wasn't what I had been doing... so it's in it's beginning stages...but atleast it has begun.
Also, I have noticed how bad I suck. I have been reading my bible a bit more, and having a daily scripture provided by the director here, and some different bible studies, and I am simply in awe of God's love for my selfish heart. I am called to do so much more than I am doing, and he still loves me. I am just in awe of Him. We serve an amazing God.

Part of noticing how bad I suck is realizing that all these years, I have selfishly compared myself to other people.... to other broken humans. Of course at times I am going to look better, more in love with Christ, and more on the right track then they do. But is that what I am trying to be like? Another broken human? Or am I trying to be like the son of God in all his perfection? Because if I compare myself to him, which I should, I suck.

I'm nervous about coming back to the states. How easy it will be to just fall back into the sad ways of Americans. To get caught up in looks, money, jobs, fashion, etc. but not to be caught up in what God has called us to do. I have all of these plans for my life, and I don't know how many times I have planned something and thought of the benefit that it will have on the kingdom of God. Have I ever? Have I planned my days around what I want to do for myself, or around what I can do for the kingdom of God? Conviction all over the place.

The Lord is good, and his love endures foever. It endures through all my selfishness, and destruction. Experience God's love today, not because you deserve it, but because He wants you to.

Desperation....

Our God is greater; Our God is stronger
God you are higher than any other
Our God is Healer, Awesome in power
Our God, Our God.

     How true are these words? We truly serve an incredible God. Or, I dont know we have an incredible God. Do we always serve Him? Josue, who is our Spiritual Director for our kids, said the following in the meeting this morning-- "I know God is watching all that I do and my heart beats really fast when I think of it." When was the last time we stopped and though about the work we are doing for the Lord? And knowing that He is watching us and we get excited/anxious/nervous about it? Our God is Awesome in power and he expects us to work hard for him,all the time, in all things.


    The group that is here this week does nighly devotions and it has been WONDERFUL! To be challenged, changed, and encouraged. We talked about the Parable of the Talents in Matthew 25:14-30 the other night. If you aren't familiar with the story, Jesus tells a story about 3 different mean recieving three different amounts of talents (1 talent= about $600,000 in today's money). The first recieved 5, then 3, and then 1. The ones who recieved 5 and 3 went out and invested their money and double the amount of talents they had been given by their master. The master was pleased by them. The one who just had 1 talent was scared to lose it and to disappoint his master because he knew how hard his master worked, so he just buried it. The master was furious and took the 1 talent from him and gave it to the one who had 10. So, we see the different ways people take the talents/abilites that God has given us and what they do with it. In the devotion we talked about what how this parable showed the character of God, and man.... how it deepens our understanding for the need of Jesus as Saviour and how it will effect our lives. This is what I got, Our desperation for Christ to live insdie of us to use the God trusted abilites is crucical, because without him, we don't shine and multiply our talents--because, we alone, are the darkness in the world. It is Christ who shines within us.

I'll leave you with this thought.... how desperate are you to serve our amazing God?


Love to you all.


Kendra <3

“I will commit myself to you forever; I will commit myself to you in righteousness and justice, in steadfast love and tender compassion. I will commit myself to you in faithfulness.” -God to Isreal in Hosea 2:19-20

As the days go by I think about the kind of woman I want to be.... in every area of my life. How do I want to be as a friend? neighbor? wife? daughter? sister? Do I just want to be this average person who is alive but doesn't live? Or do I really want to be something that sticks out, not only because of my skin color :), but because I am different. I am different because I am anchored in love. The love of God. The unfailing, perfect, pleasing, steadfast love of God....forever. God promised the Isrealites that, and I genuinelly believe he has promised me his love forever. God will commit himself to me in every way that He can.... will I commit myself to him in every way that I can?

I found a magazine that a group left and I was flipping through the pages and I was so excited to find out what was going on back in the states, and I saw all of these advertisements for different products (hair, make up, house, etc) and I just thought to myself... I am making it PERFECTLY fine without any of this.... and I havent even thought of it. Guys, Americans are soooo spoiled. Don't get me wrong, I dont think there is anything wrong with buying things for yourself. I really don't. I just want us all to ask ourselves if we are giving of ourselves too. Are we pouring out the love and blessings Christ has given us? Do we look into the eyes of orphans and give, or walk away? Do you pass the offering plate because you just can't afford to put your 10% in but go out to lunch afterwards? Do you feel a tug in your heart to do work for the Lord but deny him because you have better plans for your life? I know that I have done all the above, but not anymore. Because I want my heart to be anchored in love.

All of the missionaries here are reading a book titled "Radical" by David Platt. I started reading because I wondered why they all were so in love with it..... I am going to write a part that I read that has absolutely changed my view on following Christ.

      "In Matthew 13, Jesus tells his disciples, "The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field." I love this picture. Imagine walking in a field and stumbling upon a treasure that is more valuable than anything else you could work for or find in this life. It is more valuable than all you have now or will ever have in the future. You look around and notice that no one else realizes the treaure is here, so you cover it up quickly and walk away, pretending you haven't seen anything. You go into town and begin to sell off all your possessions to have enough money to buy that field. The world thinks you're crazy. 'What are you thinking?' your friends and family ask you. You tell them, 'I'm buying that field over there.' They look at you in disbelief. 'That's a ridiculous investment. Why are you giving away everything you have?' You respond, 'I have a hunch,'and you smile to yourself and walk away. You smile because you KNOW. You know that in the end you are not really giving away anything at all. Instead you are gaining. Yes, you are abandoning everything you have, but you are also gaining more than you could have in any other way. So with joy--with joy!--you sell it all, you abandon it all. Why? Because you have found something worth losing everything else for. "

Oh friends, how beautiful is that? It's not this sad thing to lose everything you have-- your house, your clothes, your make up, your comfort, your money, your dinners, your nice cars-- its a joy! You have found something better! Lay it all aside, because you can't follow him with it all. He is calling you to sell it all because you have found something greater! Something that last! If you deny him that you turn away eternal riches! And not only if you don't follow him are you turning down eternal riches for yourself, but for others that you are too selfish to tell about the love of God.

I know that last sentence sounds harsh, but it's true. We aren't the only ones who suffer when we deny God the opportunity to use us, the kingdom of God does, and all those who have yet to experience his love, mercy and grace.

May your heart be anchored in the love of God, may your life be forever changed by a love that is so much bigger than this world has to offer. May you see the treasure you have in Christ, and go sell everything.

In Christ Alone,

Kendra